Wedding memories.

On Saturday, June 29, 2013, I got married.

The day started by me waking up early, probably around 6 am, and trying to go back to sleep for an hour. Then I just laid in bed and played on my phone before getting in the shower and waking Rebecca. I blow dried my hair and moisturized my face--anything to be beautiful today--and sat and waited for hair and make up to arrive. They did, around 10 am, and got started. Mandy got her hair done first, with a neat braid around that was perfect for her. Rebecca got her makeup done first, too, and boy, is she beautiful. Then Leigh Ann got her hair done, and she had a simple up do, but looked amazing. I helped her with her make up a little bit while Rebecca did hair, and then got my makeup done.

Tess was a fabulous makeup artist. She told me that I had as close to perfect as she's ever done on my eyes, which may have been a line, but it made me feel great. Rebecca's hair style was my favorite: off center, curled and pinned updo, it was awesome. Then I went to have my hair done, and Jennae did wonderful. It was even better than my run through, by far. That was about when Lisa Berry arrived, and we took some photos in our matching button-ups with our initials that my mom made for us (and were so cute).

Rebecca called a cab, Mandy practiced walking, and Kristen squealed, as we waited. We packed everything in and the cab took us to the church. It was raining. Not too hard, but sprinkling. We went inside and downstairs to the ready room. The bridesmaids got dressed, I snuck a peek at the flowers and bouquets, and then got dressed. Jennifer and Aunt Mary and Allison stopped by while I was waiting, along with some others. I was completely in a haze at this point. Everything was a blur and my heart rate and breathing rate were definitely elevated. I remember thinking that I felt pretty calm, but it was all a mask, as I soon found out. I was convincing myself, poorly. As time crept on, I felt strange about missing out on the prelude music and seeing people arrive and the whole hub bub of it all.

It was time. We climbed the stairs. I waited behind the door to hide myself. My dad was there. The limo driver came early and came in to talk to me. It was sort of relieving to have a weird distraction. Betsy and Krista and Mike Karam came in a bit late as I waited behind the door. The doors closed, and I climbed the final steps with Dad. My dress was spread out, the waiting was buzzing in my head. There was literally a swarm of bees inside of my ears. The music changed, the doors opened, and suddenly I was almost crying. Connie told me to breathe, and I realized I hadn't been. I tried so hard to contain it that smiling didn't even work. I got a report from Tyler Mikev that I was giggling like a mad person when I passed him. Dad had to whisper for me to slow down; it's absolutely crazy how I wasn't in control of my actions at all. All I could do was try to smile and not break down and weep, look up at Tom, look at my friends and family around me, and keep stepping forward. It was the culmination of the whole weekend, the whole year, everything.

The music finished, we sat down, and Tom told me I looked beautiful. I think I said, "You do, too" or something, my brain wasn't working properly. But having those few moments to sit back and not do anything was invaluable. I relaxed so much in the coming moments that I barely cried at all saying our vows! Tom couldn't quite my ring on my finger, but we were both nervous and a bit sweaty, so I've forgiven him. We exited, chatted, and then came back to dismiss everyone from their seats, which I think worked pretty well. We had our fake get away with my precious ribbon wands, which was inside because it was raining, but still pretty fun. We got in the limo and drove around the block to come back and take photos. We had a big Whitmire family photo, and one with both sides of Tom's family, and then some with our parents and grandparents. We took some more photos in the church, because the grass was too wet for me to risk going outside, plus it was still raining on and off. I wish I wish it hadn't rained so much, but we have all of our lives to get more photos of our friends and family and each other, so I can't be too devastated.

Then it was in the limo and on to the Arts Center. We went in the back door, downstairs through the caterers, and into the children's room to wait. Looking back, I guess we should've taken photos during this time too, but I know Lisa got great shots. (I'm talking about photography a lot because we haven't seen any photos yet, and I'm very anxious about it.) We had a beer or two and then it was time to get announced as husband and wife. I loved the first dance to 'Live and Die' by the Avett Brothers. I love Tom. It was a fun song and fits us and will be a memory of a current popular song, rather than one that hearkens back to another era. We sat, ate salad, cut the cake (with a huge knife) and out of crowd pressure I smeared a bit of frosting on Tom's nose, ate dinner, and got toasted. Joey and Rebecca did wonderful, heartfelt, fabulous speeches. I wouldn't have anyone else as our best people. They really are the best.

I don't remember the order of the rest of the night, but these things definitely happened:
-We took a photobooth photo
-We tried to talk to everyone
-We took photos outside with Lisa
-Jordyn and Blake and Raymond danced Gangnam Style
-We danced
-We sung 'Proud to be an American'
-I loved my guests so much
-I spun in my dress
-We drank some Indiana beer
-I only used the bathroom twice
-I loved every minute

At the end of the night, everyone was begging us to come out to the casino with them; and I really wanted to. I didn't want the night to be over; I wasn't done hanging out with these people. But we made the tough decision that I knew was right: to just go straight to the B&B and leave our friends to themselves. I cried a little on the way because it was so hard to say no to our best friends. There will be a lifetime of fun times to be had with them. There will be time.

It really was the best day.

Changes. Restart. Revamp.

Hi blog. It's been a while. Lots has changed. I'm married. I live in California. I have two cats. I'm depressed. I'm unemployed. I don't know what I want to be, but I want to be something. I'm trying. I'm happy, but life hasn't quite tipped yet.

First, while it's fresh, I want to write about my memories of the wedding and preceding events.

We flew in on Tuesday, with the wedding on Saturday. It was only two weeks ago, but it feels like eons now. Then the clock started racing. There were so many things that I had planned during my 'free time' which turned out didn't exist at all. The first night we were home, was fairly normal. I don't remember Wednesday at all. But that night, I stayed up until Rebecca arrived, which was around 3 in the morning. I made her bed in the piano room, I found pillows and blankets and stayed up watching Millionaire Matchmaker to get my trashy cable TV fix. We slept in, and then Rebecca and I went to Muncie to visit the Academy and campus. They were redoing the floors and so everything was sticky with adhesive, but we still went to look at our group class photos, where Rebecca has ridiculous red hair during senior year, and where we all dressed semi-alike in our junior year. We walked around, scoped out teachers' offices, ate lunch at Greek's, relaxed and went back and talked to Paul. He remembered us, and he is wonderful. We came to the conclusion that no matter what happened there, we were just kids. We thought we were more, but we were just kids. And there's something about it that can never be described, only experienced. And even then, experience isn't everything. Not even concurrent experiences. We came back to the farm and "Surprise!" (well, sort of a surprise, Joey sort of let the cat out of the bag) there was a cookout with Tyler and Grant and Lissie and Mandy and Kristen and our parents. From there, we left for the hotel in Indianapolis for the bachelor and bachelorette parties.

Aside: As I write about this now, I feel so detached from the events. Like they happened to someone else, and the details are beyond my grasp. It feels like a dream. Literally, a dream.

We got a free drink or two from the bar at the Embassy Suites, went upstairs, showered, and got ready for the night! We were later than we'd hoped, but everything was great. We took a cab to Howl at the Moon, where we had tables reserved. I got to see Liz Quick and Ann Fields and Katie Wade and dance on the stage. I got serenaded, a Purdue cheerleader did some backflips, I met a current Wabash student, a Navy man, and sang and laughed and smiled. We met up with the bachelor party at an Irish pub, where I may or may not have stolen two beers, or made some strangers pay for them. No idea. I had a blast just loitering around and talking to everyone, and while some people had to go home for work in the morning, Derek and the bridesmaids and Liz and some others stayed out. We ended up at a very creepy (in the form of their patrons) dance bar place where one guy was trying to convince me to have one last fling, someone wouldn't leave Kristen alone about her long legs, and some guys were just smoking weed right out in front. Guys from California, I think. We headed back to the hotel, but somewhere along the way ran into a group of EMTs and they let Tom and pose in the ambulance. The guys went back to Derek's and we went to bed, but not before trying to watch the last installation of the Twilight movies. In the morning, we got our breakfast, and packed up and moved out back to the farm. We packed up for the weekend and wedding. I wished so much that I could be super organized and plan ahead for these things.

We cleaned up a bit and went into Anderson to get manicures. I picked Mimosas for Mr and Mrs as our color. It was pretty silly and fun and smiley. We checked in to the Holiday Inn, and got dressed for the rehearsal and dinner. It was around this time I started having feelings. The first wave was guilt, because this whole time I was purely enjoying the company of my friends and family, and hadn't even thought of Tom and the wedding and what it would mean emotionally to both of us. I felt like I should be so focused or excited or anxious, and I wasn't. I was completely in the moment until the rehearsal. We ran through the procession, the readings, and then we came to the wedding vows. I took my role as bride and directed the rehearsal for the most part, but the actual run throughs were so much more.

Tom said his vows first, and I totally blame him for getting me started. He choked through the vows a little bit, and I couldn't help myself. I cried. Out of relief, excitement, and romance. All of a sudden, our love was something else. Something here, and now, and palpable. I know it wasn't the real thing, but I got married in my heart right then. The next day was for everyone else.

We left for dinner at the Anderson Country Club, where we arrived a bit early and were served salad, chicken oscar, and creme brûlée. The emotions were overwhelming. So much that I put them away for a while. It's a flood. When your impending in laws, the most eloquent and etiquette conscious people you've ever met, have tears in their eyes as they're toasting, it's hard to not to feel.

I'm sure at some point soon after dinner, Kristen squealed and they all watched as Tom and I said goodbye until the wedding. It crossed my mind that it's a funny tradition to not see each other before the wedding. I felt uncomforted. The one person that you want to talk to and have chosen to understand you completely, isn't there. Not that my friends aren't wonderful, because they absolutely are. ABSOLUTELY. We went back to the farm for a brief and informal 'bridal shower' because I didn't get to have one. It was cute. My mom gave me some trinkets from both of my paternal great-grandmothers. A ceramic box and a child's cream and sugar set. I got a Spice Wedding from Penzey Spices, a Rabbit wine saver, and a picture frame. Leighann got me a bunch of Vera Bradley stuff from the outlet (a passport folder, a Kindle/iPad case, a photo album). Then we chose the Princess Bride as our movie for the night, and went back to the hotel. I don't remember what happened at all. I think we just talked and sat around our hotel room. I took a Melatonin, and thank god, because it was still hard to get to sleep.

I need to do other things for a while. Wedding day memories and beyond to come. Stay tuned, blog.