I want to move back to the Midwest so bad. Texas definitely is a close second. I miss everyone all the time, and I have regret for lost potential of what friendships some of my acquaintances could've become if I'd stuck around either place. Now I'm out here in California, and I'm working so hard trying to be ready to apply to medical school in June, I have no time for anything social to attempt to meet new people, and that wouldn't help how much I miss all my friends anyway, and how bad I am at keeping in touch and really feeling as though my best friends are still my best friends. So basically, life's rough and I'm a whiner. I'm not looking for any advice here, really, I just don't want anyone to be jealous of me. I guess I think it might appear that I have it all figured out.
Yes, it's true that I had an amazing wedding, I get to keep a pretty cool husband around, and I have one cat that's a jerk and one that's scared of me but I love them both. I get to live in the Bay Area, I have a steady and well paying job that is in the medical field, and I'm taking an MCAT prep course and aiming for medical school. Those are all good things. Really good things, I admit.
However, it really means nothing without family or friends. Yes, I have Tom. I love him very much, but I can't (and shouldn't) share everything only with him. I need a community and either of the communities that I created around myself are over a thousand miles away from me.
So hug everyone close to you, and celebrate any times you have with your friends and how easy it is to see them and connect with them. I take the blame, partially, for ending up in this emotional state. I placed myself here, a thousand miles away. In part it was a conscious decision. And now I am making the conscious decision to undo it. Somehow. I will find a way.
Saturday, March 1, 2014
Friday, July 12, 2013
Wedding memories.
On Saturday, June 29, 2013, I got married.
The day started by me waking up early, probably around 6 am, and trying to go back to sleep for an hour. Then I just laid in bed and played on my phone before getting in the shower and waking Rebecca. I blow dried my hair and moisturized my face--anything to be beautiful today--and sat and waited for hair and make up to arrive. They did, around 10 am, and got started. Mandy got her hair done first, with a neat braid around that was perfect for her. Rebecca got her makeup done first, too, and boy, is she beautiful. Then Leigh Ann got her hair done, and she had a simple up do, but looked amazing. I helped her with her make up a little bit while Rebecca did hair, and then got my makeup done.
Tess was a fabulous makeup artist. She told me that I had as close to perfect as she's ever done on my eyes, which may have been a line, but it made me feel great. Rebecca's hair style was my favorite: off center, curled and pinned updo, it was awesome. Then I went to have my hair done, and Jennae did wonderful. It was even better than my run through, by far. That was about when Lisa Berry arrived, and we took some photos in our matching button-ups with our initials that my mom made for us (and were so cute).
Rebecca called a cab, Mandy practiced walking, and Kristen squealed, as we waited. We packed everything in and the cab took us to the church. It was raining. Not too hard, but sprinkling. We went inside and downstairs to the ready room. The bridesmaids got dressed, I snuck a peek at the flowers and bouquets, and then got dressed. Jennifer and Aunt Mary and Allison stopped by while I was waiting, along with some others. I was completely in a haze at this point. Everything was a blur and my heart rate and breathing rate were definitely elevated. I remember thinking that I felt pretty calm, but it was all a mask, as I soon found out. I was convincing myself, poorly. As time crept on, I felt strange about missing out on the prelude music and seeing people arrive and the whole hub bub of it all.
It was time. We climbed the stairs. I waited behind the door to hide myself. My dad was there. The limo driver came early and came in to talk to me. It was sort of relieving to have a weird distraction. Betsy and Krista and Mike Karam came in a bit late as I waited behind the door. The doors closed, and I climbed the final steps with Dad. My dress was spread out, the waiting was buzzing in my head. There was literally a swarm of bees inside of my ears. The music changed, the doors opened, and suddenly I was almost crying. Connie told me to breathe, and I realized I hadn't been. I tried so hard to contain it that smiling didn't even work. I got a report from Tyler Mikev that I was giggling like a mad person when I passed him. Dad had to whisper for me to slow down; it's absolutely crazy how I wasn't in control of my actions at all. All I could do was try to smile and not break down and weep, look up at Tom, look at my friends and family around me, and keep stepping forward. It was the culmination of the whole weekend, the whole year, everything.
The music finished, we sat down, and Tom told me I looked beautiful. I think I said, "You do, too" or something, my brain wasn't working properly. But having those few moments to sit back and not do anything was invaluable. I relaxed so much in the coming moments that I barely cried at all saying our vows! Tom couldn't quite my ring on my finger, but we were both nervous and a bit sweaty, so I've forgiven him. We exited, chatted, and then came back to dismiss everyone from their seats, which I think worked pretty well. We had our fake get away with my precious ribbon wands, which was inside because it was raining, but still pretty fun. We got in the limo and drove around the block to come back and take photos. We had a big Whitmire family photo, and one with both sides of Tom's family, and then some with our parents and grandparents. We took some more photos in the church, because the grass was too wet for me to risk going outside, plus it was still raining on and off. I wish I wish it hadn't rained so much, but we have all of our lives to get more photos of our friends and family and each other, so I can't be too devastated.
Then it was in the limo and on to the Arts Center. We went in the back door, downstairs through the caterers, and into the children's room to wait. Looking back, I guess we should've taken photos during this time too, but I know Lisa got great shots. (I'm talking about photography a lot because we haven't seen any photos yet, and I'm very anxious about it.) We had a beer or two and then it was time to get announced as husband and wife. I loved the first dance to 'Live and Die' by the Avett Brothers. I love Tom. It was a fun song and fits us and will be a memory of a current popular song, rather than one that hearkens back to another era. We sat, ate salad, cut the cake (with a huge knife) and out of crowd pressure I smeared a bit of frosting on Tom's nose, ate dinner, and got toasted. Joey and Rebecca did wonderful, heartfelt, fabulous speeches. I wouldn't have anyone else as our best people. They really are the best.
I don't remember the order of the rest of the night, but these things definitely happened:
-We took a photobooth photo
-We tried to talk to everyone
-We took photos outside with Lisa
-Jordyn and Blake and Raymond danced Gangnam Style
-We danced
-We sung 'Proud to be an American'
-I loved my guests so much
-I spun in my dress
-We drank some Indiana beer
-I only used the bathroom twice
-I loved every minute
At the end of the night, everyone was begging us to come out to the casino with them; and I really wanted to. I didn't want the night to be over; I wasn't done hanging out with these people. But we made the tough decision that I knew was right: to just go straight to the B&B and leave our friends to themselves. I cried a little on the way because it was so hard to say no to our best friends. There will be a lifetime of fun times to be had with them. There will be time.
It really was the best day.
The day started by me waking up early, probably around 6 am, and trying to go back to sleep for an hour. Then I just laid in bed and played on my phone before getting in the shower and waking Rebecca. I blow dried my hair and moisturized my face--anything to be beautiful today--and sat and waited for hair and make up to arrive. They did, around 10 am, and got started. Mandy got her hair done first, with a neat braid around that was perfect for her. Rebecca got her makeup done first, too, and boy, is she beautiful. Then Leigh Ann got her hair done, and she had a simple up do, but looked amazing. I helped her with her make up a little bit while Rebecca did hair, and then got my makeup done.
Tess was a fabulous makeup artist. She told me that I had as close to perfect as she's ever done on my eyes, which may have been a line, but it made me feel great. Rebecca's hair style was my favorite: off center, curled and pinned updo, it was awesome. Then I went to have my hair done, and Jennae did wonderful. It was even better than my run through, by far. That was about when Lisa Berry arrived, and we took some photos in our matching button-ups with our initials that my mom made for us (and were so cute).
Rebecca called a cab, Mandy practiced walking, and Kristen squealed, as we waited. We packed everything in and the cab took us to the church. It was raining. Not too hard, but sprinkling. We went inside and downstairs to the ready room. The bridesmaids got dressed, I snuck a peek at the flowers and bouquets, and then got dressed. Jennifer and Aunt Mary and Allison stopped by while I was waiting, along with some others. I was completely in a haze at this point. Everything was a blur and my heart rate and breathing rate were definitely elevated. I remember thinking that I felt pretty calm, but it was all a mask, as I soon found out. I was convincing myself, poorly. As time crept on, I felt strange about missing out on the prelude music and seeing people arrive and the whole hub bub of it all.
It was time. We climbed the stairs. I waited behind the door to hide myself. My dad was there. The limo driver came early and came in to talk to me. It was sort of relieving to have a weird distraction. Betsy and Krista and Mike Karam came in a bit late as I waited behind the door. The doors closed, and I climbed the final steps with Dad. My dress was spread out, the waiting was buzzing in my head. There was literally a swarm of bees inside of my ears. The music changed, the doors opened, and suddenly I was almost crying. Connie told me to breathe, and I realized I hadn't been. I tried so hard to contain it that smiling didn't even work. I got a report from Tyler Mikev that I was giggling like a mad person when I passed him. Dad had to whisper for me to slow down; it's absolutely crazy how I wasn't in control of my actions at all. All I could do was try to smile and not break down and weep, look up at Tom, look at my friends and family around me, and keep stepping forward. It was the culmination of the whole weekend, the whole year, everything.
The music finished, we sat down, and Tom told me I looked beautiful. I think I said, "You do, too" or something, my brain wasn't working properly. But having those few moments to sit back and not do anything was invaluable. I relaxed so much in the coming moments that I barely cried at all saying our vows! Tom couldn't quite my ring on my finger, but we were both nervous and a bit sweaty, so I've forgiven him. We exited, chatted, and then came back to dismiss everyone from their seats, which I think worked pretty well. We had our fake get away with my precious ribbon wands, which was inside because it was raining, but still pretty fun. We got in the limo and drove around the block to come back and take photos. We had a big Whitmire family photo, and one with both sides of Tom's family, and then some with our parents and grandparents. We took some more photos in the church, because the grass was too wet for me to risk going outside, plus it was still raining on and off. I wish I wish it hadn't rained so much, but we have all of our lives to get more photos of our friends and family and each other, so I can't be too devastated.
Then it was in the limo and on to the Arts Center. We went in the back door, downstairs through the caterers, and into the children's room to wait. Looking back, I guess we should've taken photos during this time too, but I know Lisa got great shots. (I'm talking about photography a lot because we haven't seen any photos yet, and I'm very anxious about it.) We had a beer or two and then it was time to get announced as husband and wife. I loved the first dance to 'Live and Die' by the Avett Brothers. I love Tom. It was a fun song and fits us and will be a memory of a current popular song, rather than one that hearkens back to another era. We sat, ate salad, cut the cake (with a huge knife) and out of crowd pressure I smeared a bit of frosting on Tom's nose, ate dinner, and got toasted. Joey and Rebecca did wonderful, heartfelt, fabulous speeches. I wouldn't have anyone else as our best people. They really are the best.
I don't remember the order of the rest of the night, but these things definitely happened:
-We took a photobooth photo
-We tried to talk to everyone
-We took photos outside with Lisa
-Jordyn and Blake and Raymond danced Gangnam Style
-We danced
-We sung 'Proud to be an American'
-I loved my guests so much
-I spun in my dress
-We drank some Indiana beer
-I only used the bathroom twice
-I loved every minute
At the end of the night, everyone was begging us to come out to the casino with them; and I really wanted to. I didn't want the night to be over; I wasn't done hanging out with these people. But we made the tough decision that I knew was right: to just go straight to the B&B and leave our friends to themselves. I cried a little on the way because it was so hard to say no to our best friends. There will be a lifetime of fun times to be had with them. There will be time.
It really was the best day.
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Changes. Restart. Revamp.
Hi blog. It's been a while. Lots has changed. I'm married. I live in California. I have two cats. I'm depressed. I'm unemployed. I don't know what I want to be, but I want to be something. I'm trying. I'm happy, but life hasn't quite tipped yet.
First, while it's fresh, I want to write about my memories of the wedding and preceding events.
We flew in on Tuesday, with the wedding on Saturday. It was only two weeks ago, but it feels like eons now. Then the clock started racing. There were so many things that I had planned during my 'free time' which turned out didn't exist at all. The first night we were home, was fairly normal. I don't remember Wednesday at all. But that night, I stayed up until Rebecca arrived, which was around 3 in the morning. I made her bed in the piano room, I found pillows and blankets and stayed up watching Millionaire Matchmaker to get my trashy cable TV fix. We slept in, and then Rebecca and I went to Muncie to visit the Academy and campus. They were redoing the floors and so everything was sticky with adhesive, but we still went to look at our group class photos, where Rebecca has ridiculous red hair during senior year, and where we all dressed semi-alike in our junior year. We walked around, scoped out teachers' offices, ate lunch at Greek's, relaxed and went back and talked to Paul. He remembered us, and he is wonderful. We came to the conclusion that no matter what happened there, we were just kids. We thought we were more, but we were just kids. And there's something about it that can never be described, only experienced. And even then, experience isn't everything. Not even concurrent experiences. We came back to the farm and "Surprise!" (well, sort of a surprise, Joey sort of let the cat out of the bag) there was a cookout with Tyler and Grant and Lissie and Mandy and Kristen and our parents. From there, we left for the hotel in Indianapolis for the bachelor and bachelorette parties.
Aside: As I write about this now, I feel so detached from the events. Like they happened to someone else, and the details are beyond my grasp. It feels like a dream. Literally, a dream.
We got a free drink or two from the bar at the Embassy Suites, went upstairs, showered, and got ready for the night! We were later than we'd hoped, but everything was great. We took a cab to Howl at the Moon, where we had tables reserved. I got to see Liz Quick and Ann Fields and Katie Wade and dance on the stage. I got serenaded, a Purdue cheerleader did some backflips, I met a current Wabash student, a Navy man, and sang and laughed and smiled. We met up with the bachelor party at an Irish pub, where I may or may not have stolen two beers, or made some strangers pay for them. No idea. I had a blast just loitering around and talking to everyone, and while some people had to go home for work in the morning, Derek and the bridesmaids and Liz and some others stayed out. We ended up at a very creepy (in the form of their patrons) dance bar place where one guy was trying to convince me to have one last fling, someone wouldn't leave Kristen alone about her long legs, and some guys were just smoking weed right out in front. Guys from California, I think. We headed back to the hotel, but somewhere along the way ran into a group of EMTs and they let Tom and pose in the ambulance. The guys went back to Derek's and we went to bed, but not before trying to watch the last installation of the Twilight movies. In the morning, we got our breakfast, and packed up and moved out back to the farm. We packed up for the weekend and wedding. I wished so much that I could be super organized and plan ahead for these things.
We cleaned up a bit and went into Anderson to get manicures. I picked Mimosas for Mr and Mrs as our color. It was pretty silly and fun and smiley. We checked in to the Holiday Inn, and got dressed for the rehearsal and dinner. It was around this time I started having feelings. The first wave was guilt, because this whole time I was purely enjoying the company of my friends and family, and hadn't even thought of Tom and the wedding and what it would mean emotionally to both of us. I felt like I should be so focused or excited or anxious, and I wasn't. I was completely in the moment until the rehearsal. We ran through the procession, the readings, and then we came to the wedding vows. I took my role as bride and directed the rehearsal for the most part, but the actual run throughs were so much more.
Tom said his vows first, and I totally blame him for getting me started. He choked through the vows a little bit, and I couldn't help myself. I cried. Out of relief, excitement, and romance. All of a sudden, our love was something else. Something here, and now, and palpable. I know it wasn't the real thing, but I got married in my heart right then. The next day was for everyone else.
We left for dinner at the Anderson Country Club, where we arrived a bit early and were served salad, chicken oscar, and creme brûlée. The emotions were overwhelming. So much that I put them away for a while. It's a flood. When your impending in laws, the most eloquent and etiquette conscious people you've ever met, have tears in their eyes as they're toasting, it's hard to not to feel.
I'm sure at some point soon after dinner, Kristen squealed and they all watched as Tom and I said goodbye until the wedding. It crossed my mind that it's a funny tradition to not see each other before the wedding. I felt uncomforted. The one person that you want to talk to and have chosen to understand you completely, isn't there. Not that my friends aren't wonderful, because they absolutely are. ABSOLUTELY. We went back to the farm for a brief and informal 'bridal shower' because I didn't get to have one. It was cute. My mom gave me some trinkets from both of my paternal great-grandmothers. A ceramic box and a child's cream and sugar set. I got a Spice Wedding from Penzey Spices, a Rabbit wine saver, and a picture frame. Leighann got me a bunch of Vera Bradley stuff from the outlet (a passport folder, a Kindle/iPad case, a photo album). Then we chose the Princess Bride as our movie for the night, and went back to the hotel. I don't remember what happened at all. I think we just talked and sat around our hotel room. I took a Melatonin, and thank god, because it was still hard to get to sleep.
I need to do other things for a while. Wedding day memories and beyond to come. Stay tuned, blog.
First, while it's fresh, I want to write about my memories of the wedding and preceding events.
We flew in on Tuesday, with the wedding on Saturday. It was only two weeks ago, but it feels like eons now. Then the clock started racing. There were so many things that I had planned during my 'free time' which turned out didn't exist at all. The first night we were home, was fairly normal. I don't remember Wednesday at all. But that night, I stayed up until Rebecca arrived, which was around 3 in the morning. I made her bed in the piano room, I found pillows and blankets and stayed up watching Millionaire Matchmaker to get my trashy cable TV fix. We slept in, and then Rebecca and I went to Muncie to visit the Academy and campus. They were redoing the floors and so everything was sticky with adhesive, but we still went to look at our group class photos, where Rebecca has ridiculous red hair during senior year, and where we all dressed semi-alike in our junior year. We walked around, scoped out teachers' offices, ate lunch at Greek's, relaxed and went back and talked to Paul. He remembered us, and he is wonderful. We came to the conclusion that no matter what happened there, we were just kids. We thought we were more, but we were just kids. And there's something about it that can never be described, only experienced. And even then, experience isn't everything. Not even concurrent experiences. We came back to the farm and "Surprise!" (well, sort of a surprise, Joey sort of let the cat out of the bag) there was a cookout with Tyler and Grant and Lissie and Mandy and Kristen and our parents. From there, we left for the hotel in Indianapolis for the bachelor and bachelorette parties.
Aside: As I write about this now, I feel so detached from the events. Like they happened to someone else, and the details are beyond my grasp. It feels like a dream. Literally, a dream.
We got a free drink or two from the bar at the Embassy Suites, went upstairs, showered, and got ready for the night! We were later than we'd hoped, but everything was great. We took a cab to Howl at the Moon, where we had tables reserved. I got to see Liz Quick and Ann Fields and Katie Wade and dance on the stage. I got serenaded, a Purdue cheerleader did some backflips, I met a current Wabash student, a Navy man, and sang and laughed and smiled. We met up with the bachelor party at an Irish pub, where I may or may not have stolen two beers, or made some strangers pay for them. No idea. I had a blast just loitering around and talking to everyone, and while some people had to go home for work in the morning, Derek and the bridesmaids and Liz and some others stayed out. We ended up at a very creepy (in the form of their patrons) dance bar place where one guy was trying to convince me to have one last fling, someone wouldn't leave Kristen alone about her long legs, and some guys were just smoking weed right out in front. Guys from California, I think. We headed back to the hotel, but somewhere along the way ran into a group of EMTs and they let Tom and pose in the ambulance. The guys went back to Derek's and we went to bed, but not before trying to watch the last installation of the Twilight movies. In the morning, we got our breakfast, and packed up and moved out back to the farm. We packed up for the weekend and wedding. I wished so much that I could be super organized and plan ahead for these things.
We cleaned up a bit and went into Anderson to get manicures. I picked Mimosas for Mr and Mrs as our color. It was pretty silly and fun and smiley. We checked in to the Holiday Inn, and got dressed for the rehearsal and dinner. It was around this time I started having feelings. The first wave was guilt, because this whole time I was purely enjoying the company of my friends and family, and hadn't even thought of Tom and the wedding and what it would mean emotionally to both of us. I felt like I should be so focused or excited or anxious, and I wasn't. I was completely in the moment until the rehearsal. We ran through the procession, the readings, and then we came to the wedding vows. I took my role as bride and directed the rehearsal for the most part, but the actual run throughs were so much more.
Tom said his vows first, and I totally blame him for getting me started. He choked through the vows a little bit, and I couldn't help myself. I cried. Out of relief, excitement, and romance. All of a sudden, our love was something else. Something here, and now, and palpable. I know it wasn't the real thing, but I got married in my heart right then. The next day was for everyone else.
We left for dinner at the Anderson Country Club, where we arrived a bit early and were served salad, chicken oscar, and creme brûlée. The emotions were overwhelming. So much that I put them away for a while. It's a flood. When your impending in laws, the most eloquent and etiquette conscious people you've ever met, have tears in their eyes as they're toasting, it's hard to not to feel.
I'm sure at some point soon after dinner, Kristen squealed and they all watched as Tom and I said goodbye until the wedding. It crossed my mind that it's a funny tradition to not see each other before the wedding. I felt uncomforted. The one person that you want to talk to and have chosen to understand you completely, isn't there. Not that my friends aren't wonderful, because they absolutely are. ABSOLUTELY. We went back to the farm for a brief and informal 'bridal shower' because I didn't get to have one. It was cute. My mom gave me some trinkets from both of my paternal great-grandmothers. A ceramic box and a child's cream and sugar set. I got a Spice Wedding from Penzey Spices, a Rabbit wine saver, and a picture frame. Leighann got me a bunch of Vera Bradley stuff from the outlet (a passport folder, a Kindle/iPad case, a photo album). Then we chose the Princess Bride as our movie for the night, and went back to the hotel. I don't remember what happened at all. I think we just talked and sat around our hotel room. I took a Melatonin, and thank god, because it was still hard to get to sleep.
I need to do other things for a while. Wedding day memories and beyond to come. Stay tuned, blog.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Life Can Be So Exciting
Tom is coming tomorrow! In about 14 hours, more precisely. I can't believe this is only the fifth time I've seen him since last August about this time, when I was leaving for Sweden. I can't believe it's been a year since I was leaving for Sweden! Where does time go when it passes us by?
I am very excited to move; but I think I'm more excited just to be out of my parents' house and more nervous to move than anything else. I don't have a job, I don't have an apartment and I don't want to compromise my plans for my life because of any obstacles I might come across. I am trying desperately to follow my heart, and to go wherever my soul is leading me. Whether that is biology and research or something completely different remains to be discovered. I can only try to allow the universe conspire with me for my success and greatness; and make as much luck as I can.
Regardless, I will be so happy to see Tom again. I feel like our super-long distance relationship has dwindled to the bare minimum. I have said before, I don't get the benefits of being single, because I'm not, but I also don't get the benefits of a relationship either. It's been extremely hard. Probably the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, and now it's all coming to an end. Things can only get better when we are closer together.
We moved Leigh Ann into Purdue yesterday. Waking up before 7 to get ready and on the road made for a very long day, but it was so worth it. It's lucky she chose Purdue, so I had that day to see some of my friends who were around and moving in themselves, and also to reminisce a bit about my freshman year and BGR experiences. Leigh Ann's roommate seems really nice, I think they will get along well. Her name is Patera (pronounced Paytra) and she has a very warm Kentucky drawl. Leigh Ann seems to be enjoying BGR too, in ways that I never got to, mostly because my team leader wasn't all that great. Now of course, they are all spectacular. I heard they had over 900 applicants this year, of which only 500 are accepted. That's a huge number! I loved being a TL so much during my two years in Purdue Village and Harrison. It really is the best new student orientation in the country, and I wish desperately I could start it all over again.
Up at my sorority, things were sweltering in the no A/C land. And the new floor looked great! Everyone was the same, in a good way. Sarah Young and B Poe were already discussing the alcohol content of their room, Jenna Witte was singing in the hallways, Sledford, Carolyn, Colleen, Katie Kos, and Liz were all there...and Janell was there! I hadn't seen her in over a year since we studied abroad in opposite semesters.
I feel some regrets slipping in about how I treated my time in the house, and at Purdue in general. I think that the Academy made me cocky in a lot of ways, and that rooming with Chloe was great, but it may have ultimately been better for me to be with someone new. I should've, would've, could've done this, that, or the other. Meeting Tom when I did definitely shaped how I acted for the rest of my time at Purdue. I love him, and I wouldn't have changed anything about the way we met or our time together, but spending every weekend away from Purdue took a toll on some of my friendships and social life in general. I think people started thinking about me as snobby or introverted at times; the kind of girl who only hangs out with her boyfriend and never just goes out. And that is certainly not true, and not what I want anyone to think about me. I tried to get girls to come to Wabash with me and experience it the way I did; it wasn't just about me hanging out with Tom, those boys and those parties were the best I've ever had. Some of the nights spent at Lambda Chi just turned out so perfectly that words can't describe them. I still can't help but regret the nights I missed with my sisters in some way. The hungover breakfasts and lunches and frat drama and girl bonding.
Now I'm getting in too deep. I'm just nostalgic because I'm moving and my life is changing so much. I want to hang on to everything, everyone. It's like graduating from high school, or moving to the Academy. Things change, and I can't stop it. I should know that by now. I'll have to make a whole new group of friends, and that's scary. It's scary that I don't have any money, and that I might have to move back up here if that doesn't change. So I just keep chanting that everything WILL be fine, because I am supposed to move on and develop and evolve. Life is like that.
I am very excited to move; but I think I'm more excited just to be out of my parents' house and more nervous to move than anything else. I don't have a job, I don't have an apartment and I don't want to compromise my plans for my life because of any obstacles I might come across. I am trying desperately to follow my heart, and to go wherever my soul is leading me. Whether that is biology and research or something completely different remains to be discovered. I can only try to allow the universe conspire with me for my success and greatness; and make as much luck as I can.
Regardless, I will be so happy to see Tom again. I feel like our super-long distance relationship has dwindled to the bare minimum. I have said before, I don't get the benefits of being single, because I'm not, but I also don't get the benefits of a relationship either. It's been extremely hard. Probably the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, and now it's all coming to an end. Things can only get better when we are closer together.
We moved Leigh Ann into Purdue yesterday. Waking up before 7 to get ready and on the road made for a very long day, but it was so worth it. It's lucky she chose Purdue, so I had that day to see some of my friends who were around and moving in themselves, and also to reminisce a bit about my freshman year and BGR experiences. Leigh Ann's roommate seems really nice, I think they will get along well. Her name is Patera (pronounced Paytra) and she has a very warm Kentucky drawl. Leigh Ann seems to be enjoying BGR too, in ways that I never got to, mostly because my team leader wasn't all that great. Now of course, they are all spectacular. I heard they had over 900 applicants this year, of which only 500 are accepted. That's a huge number! I loved being a TL so much during my two years in Purdue Village and Harrison. It really is the best new student orientation in the country, and I wish desperately I could start it all over again.
Up at my sorority, things were sweltering in the no A/C land. And the new floor looked great! Everyone was the same, in a good way. Sarah Young and B Poe were already discussing the alcohol content of their room, Jenna Witte was singing in the hallways, Sledford, Carolyn, Colleen, Katie Kos, and Liz were all there...and Janell was there! I hadn't seen her in over a year since we studied abroad in opposite semesters.
I feel some regrets slipping in about how I treated my time in the house, and at Purdue in general. I think that the Academy made me cocky in a lot of ways, and that rooming with Chloe was great, but it may have ultimately been better for me to be with someone new. I should've, would've, could've done this, that, or the other. Meeting Tom when I did definitely shaped how I acted for the rest of my time at Purdue. I love him, and I wouldn't have changed anything about the way we met or our time together, but spending every weekend away from Purdue took a toll on some of my friendships and social life in general. I think people started thinking about me as snobby or introverted at times; the kind of girl who only hangs out with her boyfriend and never just goes out. And that is certainly not true, and not what I want anyone to think about me. I tried to get girls to come to Wabash with me and experience it the way I did; it wasn't just about me hanging out with Tom, those boys and those parties were the best I've ever had. Some of the nights spent at Lambda Chi just turned out so perfectly that words can't describe them. I still can't help but regret the nights I missed with my sisters in some way. The hungover breakfasts and lunches and frat drama and girl bonding.
Now I'm getting in too deep. I'm just nostalgic because I'm moving and my life is changing so much. I want to hang on to everything, everyone. It's like graduating from high school, or moving to the Academy. Things change, and I can't stop it. I should know that by now. I'll have to make a whole new group of friends, and that's scary. It's scary that I don't have any money, and that I might have to move back up here if that doesn't change. So I just keep chanting that everything WILL be fine, because I am supposed to move on and develop and evolve. Life is like that.
Reading
Posted from July 29, 2010 11:45 pm
There is something to be said about the differences between reading a book in a very public place; such as a cafe, park, or library, and reading in private. In public, it is exhilarating to be immersed into two worlds at precisely one moment. For you are as much a part of the world around you; people might see you, mention you, or even admire you in passing. Your physical body is continuing to interact with its environment by breathing, scratching, and otherwise fidgeting. However, your mind is quite a different matter. At least, mine would be. I become completely immersed in the fictional settings that are typed before my eyes. In fact, my mother once gave me a gift of bookends which read, "Books fall open, you fall in," and these have become some of my favorite possessions over the years. To be so divided like that, body from mind, is somewhat transcendent of other spiritual encounters. During prayer or meditation, you are conscious of pursuing that detachment from reality, and must create mental barriers between the tangible and the intangible. I speak from personal experience, of course, and know very well that people do exist who find prayer and meditation to be the deepest way of connecting to the world. I prefer reading. I prefer to start something innocently, putting letter after letter and word after word together in my mind and have them take me along a journey far away from the place where I am. It happens both unconsciously and completely.
On the other hand, while reading in private will result in many of the same ends, it is a more conscious effort. Putting yourself alone is halfway to melting the world around you away, and the book must do hardly anything to complete the effort. It is less spiritual in that way, for knowing you are pursuing God and expecting him (I use the term loosely), and coincidentally finding God are two very different things indeed.
There is something to be said about the differences between reading a book in a very public place; such as a cafe, park, or library, and reading in private. In public, it is exhilarating to be immersed into two worlds at precisely one moment. For you are as much a part of the world around you; people might see you, mention you, or even admire you in passing. Your physical body is continuing to interact with its environment by breathing, scratching, and otherwise fidgeting. However, your mind is quite a different matter. At least, mine would be. I become completely immersed in the fictional settings that are typed before my eyes. In fact, my mother once gave me a gift of bookends which read, "Books fall open, you fall in," and these have become some of my favorite possessions over the years. To be so divided like that, body from mind, is somewhat transcendent of other spiritual encounters. During prayer or meditation, you are conscious of pursuing that detachment from reality, and must create mental barriers between the tangible and the intangible. I speak from personal experience, of course, and know very well that people do exist who find prayer and meditation to be the deepest way of connecting to the world. I prefer reading. I prefer to start something innocently, putting letter after letter and word after word together in my mind and have them take me along a journey far away from the place where I am. It happens both unconsciously and completely.
On the other hand, while reading in private will result in many of the same ends, it is a more conscious effort. Putting yourself alone is halfway to melting the world around you away, and the book must do hardly anything to complete the effort. It is less spiritual in that way, for knowing you are pursuing God and expecting him (I use the term loosely), and coincidentally finding God are two very different things indeed.
Pride & Prejudice
Posted from July 29, 2010, 8:30 pm
Today was crazy. First of all I am still ridiculously jetlagged from Hawaii and end up staying up until about 5 am each night we've been back. Secondly, Leighann and I went shopping for some of her books for an English class at Purdue, and it turns out all but one (The Story of My Life By Helen Keller) were out of stock in every Indiana Borders except the one in West Lafayette. Which makes sense of course, but also a bit ridiculous. So we ended up ordering the rest on half.com, and I picked up Eat Pray Love, Pride and Prejudice, and Brida by Paulo Coehlo from Borders. I also bought two VS bras, which I desperately needed, and a simple black knit dress from White House Black Market. It was on sale AND I used my mom's birthday $10 off coupon, so it's all good. It is a little bit short to wear in general casual situations, so I may lengthen it with some color or something if I can work successfully with knits ever.
On top of all my crazy design/sewing obsession this summer, the new season of Project Runway debuted tonight. I am SO frustrated by the girl they kicked off. I thought her dress was definitely amazingly adorable, and that Mr. I cinched a waist and put a kimono on her backwards certainly didn't deserve another chance.
Topic change: I really want to go to Lollapalooza and some of my friends are going, so I just might pony up the $90 for a one day pass. I would really like to go all three days, especially to see Gaga on Friday, but I just don't have the cash flow to make that happen. So I might settle for Sunday, even though that means missing a whole lot of bands that I would love to see. I figure I'm moving to the Live Music Capital of the World soon anyway, so maybe it's not a huge loss.
I guess we'll wrap it up tonight, as this post is really just menial things in my life, and I already dumped most of my emotional problems last night. I don't suppose anyone is really reading this, however, it feels ok just to know that someone might. Someday.
Today was crazy. First of all I am still ridiculously jetlagged from Hawaii and end up staying up until about 5 am each night we've been back. Secondly, Leighann and I went shopping for some of her books for an English class at Purdue, and it turns out all but one (The Story of My Life By Helen Keller) were out of stock in every Indiana Borders except the one in West Lafayette. Which makes sense of course, but also a bit ridiculous. So we ended up ordering the rest on half.com, and I picked up Eat Pray Love, Pride and Prejudice, and Brida by Paulo Coehlo from Borders. I also bought two VS bras, which I desperately needed, and a simple black knit dress from White House Black Market. It was on sale AND I used my mom's birthday $10 off coupon, so it's all good. It is a little bit short to wear in general casual situations, so I may lengthen it with some color or something if I can work successfully with knits ever.
On top of all my crazy design/sewing obsession this summer, the new season of Project Runway debuted tonight. I am SO frustrated by the girl they kicked off. I thought her dress was definitely amazingly adorable, and that Mr. I cinched a waist and put a kimono on her backwards certainly didn't deserve another chance.
Topic change: I really want to go to Lollapalooza and some of my friends are going, so I just might pony up the $90 for a one day pass. I would really like to go all three days, especially to see Gaga on Friday, but I just don't have the cash flow to make that happen. So I might settle for Sunday, even though that means missing a whole lot of bands that I would love to see. I figure I'm moving to the Live Music Capital of the World soon anyway, so maybe it's not a huge loss.
I guess we'll wrap it up tonight, as this post is really just menial things in my life, and I already dumped most of my emotional problems last night. I don't suppose anyone is really reading this, however, it feels ok just to know that someone might. Someday.
Restart, recharge.
Posted from July 28, 2010
I'm going to try to start up this blog again, mostly because I am feeling very frustrated with my life lately, and release is one of my new main goals. I keep trying to pick up sewing to do this instead of blogging, but there are obstacles involved in that. For example, Mom up and donated ALL of her used patterns to the church rummage sale, except for some very crazy pajamas. She insists I should start on those and work my way up, but I want to make things that I will ACTUALLY wear or use. I found some great Cynthia Rowley patterns and some simple skirts and t-shirt type things online, now it's just a matter of getting to JoAnn's and buying patterns and fabric and whatnot. And suddenly I am way off topic.
I'm suddenly in my third month of living at home, and I'm really beginning to get fidgety. I have applied for so many jobs, but I am beginning to feel like I'm not getting anywhere. It's like there is a secret code or something that you have to put in your resume before people will consider you. And that secret code is nepotism. Just kidding. Mostly. I've had a few people call me, but I didn't get the first one. And several others have been busts. Despite my love for the internet, I must say it is much harder to find the job you want than many people and monster.com commercials make it out to be. I have found out, however, that once my miracle happens and I do become gainfully employed, that just about everyone in Austin is looking for a roommate. I'm so desperate to be there. In the city, away from here, closer to Tom, independent, new friends, new experiences. I want all that and everything else I can't predict. I want to do things, not sit around and watch the entire Boy Meets World series. (The finale of which, by the way, is hilarious. Especially flashback to the 'undahpants' scene, below.)
I really can't wait around for much longer, and I'll have to take up my cousin Todd's idea and load up my car and just, go. Maybe I can get a job in retail, a shoe department with commission pay...or fast food; or not. Even all of the administrative assistant jobs available require 5+ years experience! Sheesh.
I want to do lab work. I want it to be important and interesting. I want to want to go to work, and after this time of unemployment, I'll want to go almost anywhere. I am a great learner; fast too. And I really like surprising people. All I need is one measly chance. One chance to get really going and work somewhere for more than a summer or a semester. Experience.
And I hate feeling jealous of my boyfriend. I'm jealous because he has great things to do all the time. Even if he doesn't think they're great, they are. And he has friends to hang out with and places to go and only sees his parents when he has laundry to do. I miss him so much. I want to experience his life and my life together. We've been apart for more than a year, seeing each other only a handful of times. It's really torturous, and I can see how people let their relationships go over distance. He was here at the end of May for the 500, but even then I felt like we almost had to get used to each other again before feeling the same. And by that time, there were only a few days left to enjoy. I don't have a doubt that we are the real thing, but I have doubts about the universe conspiring with us. I feel as though I am really pursuing everything in life that I should be, doesn't that constitute some sort of cosmic assistance?
I made a doctor appointment for August 4, and I'm going to make a hair appointment tomorrow. And after both of those are done, I'm setting myself a deadline. I'll just start packing a bunch of things. And make sure that God and the universe knows this is my decision. There will be no other way. I will not have it another way.
I'm going to try to start up this blog again, mostly because I am feeling very frustrated with my life lately, and release is one of my new main goals. I keep trying to pick up sewing to do this instead of blogging, but there are obstacles involved in that. For example, Mom up and donated ALL of her used patterns to the church rummage sale, except for some very crazy pajamas. She insists I should start on those and work my way up, but I want to make things that I will ACTUALLY wear or use. I found some great Cynthia Rowley patterns and some simple skirts and t-shirt type things online, now it's just a matter of getting to JoAnn's and buying patterns and fabric and whatnot. And suddenly I am way off topic.
I'm suddenly in my third month of living at home, and I'm really beginning to get fidgety. I have applied for so many jobs, but I am beginning to feel like I'm not getting anywhere. It's like there is a secret code or something that you have to put in your resume before people will consider you. And that secret code is nepotism. Just kidding. Mostly. I've had a few people call me, but I didn't get the first one. And several others have been busts. Despite my love for the internet, I must say it is much harder to find the job you want than many people and monster.com commercials make it out to be. I have found out, however, that once my miracle happens and I do become gainfully employed, that just about everyone in Austin is looking for a roommate. I'm so desperate to be there. In the city, away from here, closer to Tom, independent, new friends, new experiences. I want all that and everything else I can't predict. I want to do things, not sit around and watch the entire Boy Meets World series. (The finale of which, by the way, is hilarious. Especially flashback to the 'undahpants' scene, below.)
I really can't wait around for much longer, and I'll have to take up my cousin Todd's idea and load up my car and just, go. Maybe I can get a job in retail, a shoe department with commission pay...or fast food; or not. Even all of the administrative assistant jobs available require 5+ years experience! Sheesh.
I want to do lab work. I want it to be important and interesting. I want to want to go to work, and after this time of unemployment, I'll want to go almost anywhere. I am a great learner; fast too. And I really like surprising people. All I need is one measly chance. One chance to get really going and work somewhere for more than a summer or a semester. Experience.
And I hate feeling jealous of my boyfriend. I'm jealous because he has great things to do all the time. Even if he doesn't think they're great, they are. And he has friends to hang out with and places to go and only sees his parents when he has laundry to do. I miss him so much. I want to experience his life and my life together. We've been apart for more than a year, seeing each other only a handful of times. It's really torturous, and I can see how people let their relationships go over distance. He was here at the end of May for the 500, but even then I felt like we almost had to get used to each other again before feeling the same. And by that time, there were only a few days left to enjoy. I don't have a doubt that we are the real thing, but I have doubts about the universe conspiring with us. I feel as though I am really pursuing everything in life that I should be, doesn't that constitute some sort of cosmic assistance?
I made a doctor appointment for August 4, and I'm going to make a hair appointment tomorrow. And after both of those are done, I'm setting myself a deadline. I'll just start packing a bunch of things. And make sure that God and the universe knows this is my decision. There will be no other way. I will not have it another way.
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