Hi blog. It's been a while. Lots has changed. I'm married. I live in California. I have two cats. I'm depressed. I'm unemployed. I don't know what I want to be, but I want to be something. I'm trying. I'm happy, but life hasn't quite tipped yet.
First, while it's fresh, I want to write about my memories of the wedding and preceding events.
We flew in on Tuesday, with the wedding on Saturday. It was only two weeks ago, but it feels like eons now. Then the clock started racing. There were so many things that I had planned during my 'free time' which turned out didn't exist at all. The first night we were home, was fairly normal. I don't remember Wednesday at all. But that night, I stayed up until Rebecca arrived, which was around 3 in the morning. I made her bed in the piano room, I found pillows and blankets and stayed up watching Millionaire Matchmaker to get my trashy cable TV fix. We slept in, and then Rebecca and I went to Muncie to visit the Academy and campus. They were redoing the floors and so everything was sticky with adhesive, but we still went to look at our group class photos, where Rebecca has ridiculous red hair during senior year, and where we all dressed semi-alike in our junior year. We walked around, scoped out teachers' offices, ate lunch at Greek's, relaxed and went back and talked to Paul. He remembered us, and he is wonderful. We came to the conclusion that no matter what happened there, we were just kids. We thought we were more, but we were just kids. And there's something about it that can never be described, only experienced. And even then, experience isn't everything. Not even concurrent experiences. We came back to the farm and "Surprise!" (well, sort of a surprise, Joey sort of let the cat out of the bag) there was a cookout with Tyler and Grant and Lissie and Mandy and Kristen and our parents. From there, we left for the hotel in Indianapolis for the bachelor and bachelorette parties.
Aside: As I write about this now, I feel so detached from the events. Like they happened to someone else, and the details are beyond my grasp. It feels like a dream. Literally, a dream.
We got a free drink or two from the bar at the Embassy Suites, went upstairs, showered, and got ready for the night! We were later than we'd hoped, but everything was great. We took a cab to Howl at the Moon, where we had tables reserved. I got to see Liz Quick and Ann Fields and Katie Wade and dance on the stage. I got serenaded, a Purdue cheerleader did some backflips, I met a current Wabash student, a Navy man, and sang and laughed and smiled. We met up with the bachelor party at an Irish pub, where I may or may not have stolen two beers, or made some strangers pay for them. No idea. I had a blast just loitering around and talking to everyone, and while some people had to go home for work in the morning, Derek and the bridesmaids and Liz and some others stayed out. We ended up at a very creepy (in the form of their patrons) dance bar place where one guy was trying to convince me to have one last fling, someone wouldn't leave Kristen alone about her long legs, and some guys were just smoking weed right out in front. Guys from California, I think. We headed back to the hotel, but somewhere along the way ran into a group of EMTs and they let Tom and pose in the ambulance. The guys went back to Derek's and we went to bed, but not before trying to watch the last installation of the Twilight movies. In the morning, we got our breakfast, and packed up and moved out back to the farm. We packed up for the weekend and wedding. I wished so much that I could be super organized and plan ahead for these things.
We cleaned up a bit and went into Anderson to get manicures. I picked Mimosas for Mr and Mrs as our color. It was pretty silly and fun and smiley. We checked in to the Holiday Inn, and got dressed for the rehearsal and dinner. It was around this time I started having feelings. The first wave was guilt, because this whole time I was purely enjoying the company of my friends and family, and hadn't even thought of Tom and the wedding and what it would mean emotionally to both of us. I felt like I should be so focused or excited or anxious, and I wasn't. I was completely in the moment until the rehearsal. We ran through the procession, the readings, and then we came to the wedding vows. I took my role as bride and directed the rehearsal for the most part, but the actual run throughs were so much more.
Tom said his vows first, and I totally blame him for getting me started. He choked through the vows a little bit, and I couldn't help myself. I cried. Out of relief, excitement, and romance. All of a sudden, our love was something else. Something here, and now, and palpable. I know it wasn't the real thing, but I got married in my heart right then. The next day was for everyone else.
We left for dinner at the Anderson Country Club, where we arrived a bit early and were served salad, chicken oscar, and creme brûlée. The emotions were overwhelming. So much that I put them away for a while. It's a flood. When your impending in laws, the most eloquent and etiquette conscious people you've ever met, have tears in their eyes as they're toasting, it's hard to not to feel.
I'm sure at some point soon after dinner, Kristen squealed and they all watched as Tom and I said goodbye until the wedding. It crossed my mind that it's a funny tradition to not see each other before the wedding. I felt uncomforted. The one person that you want to talk to and have chosen to understand you completely, isn't there. Not that my friends aren't wonderful, because they absolutely are. ABSOLUTELY. We went back to the farm for a brief and informal 'bridal shower' because I didn't get to have one. It was cute. My mom gave me some trinkets from both of my paternal great-grandmothers. A ceramic box and a child's cream and sugar set. I got a Spice Wedding from Penzey Spices, a Rabbit wine saver, and a picture frame. Leighann got me a bunch of Vera Bradley stuff from the outlet (a passport folder, a Kindle/iPad case, a photo album). Then we chose the Princess Bride as our movie for the night, and went back to the hotel. I don't remember what happened at all. I think we just talked and sat around our hotel room. I took a Melatonin, and thank god, because it was still hard to get to sleep.
I need to do other things for a while. Wedding day memories and beyond to come. Stay tuned, blog.
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